So You Wanna Be a SportsGirl: A Manifesto

I like to think of myself as a “SportsGirl”. Yes, I’m obviously a girl; I love fashion, (So sad for you, Daniel V, but props to Chloe—great dresses), celebrity gossip, People magazine and bath/body products. However, I also have a love of sports so scary, so obsessive, so consuming that it’s been known to scare off a guy or two. How do I reconcile those two things? It’s a delicate balance. It’s not easy to be a SportsGirl, but it sure does rule. Here’s my guide to knowing if you are one, and rules to follow if you want to become one: (Editors Note: This list was compiled with help from one RMEB, Esquire. Happy, Ryjar?)

Rule #10: There are some visual perks to this job: Athletes are cute! Even the casual female sports fan will notice that there are lots of good-looking guys in sports. A good general rule of thumb is that a true SportsGirl will notice this, but not make a huge deal out of it. If you’re finding someone so cute that you just HAVE to mention it (and yes, I’ve seen Tom Brady, so I feel you here), limit yourself to one comment at most and attempt to direct it to another SportsGirl. She won’t make a big deal out of it the way your guy friends might, and it’s likely she agrees with you.

Rule #9: Being a SportsGirl isn’t all fun and games: Do your homework. To be a true SportsGirl, you gotta know what you’re talking about. The best (and presumably only) way to do that is to learn and research sports. Watch as many games as you can, read ESPN.com (at the very least, check daily for headlines), check posting boards or blogs for commentary, listen to sports talk-radio. You’re gonna need to devote some time to sports, but it will be well worth it in the end. A successful SportsGirl is an informed SportsGirl.

Rule #8: There are no stupid sports questions. If you don’t know, ask! If you’re new to a sport (or sports in general) and you have a question, by all means ask someone. If there’s one thing that sports fans like talking about…it’s, you guessed it, SPORTS. I love being given the opportunity to show off my knowledge and share it with a developing fan. Anything as simple as explaining what first down means to breaking down a Princeton style basketball offense is fair game. However, be sure to follow the Time and Place Corollary to this rule. There’s a time and place to ask a question. That time is NOT during overtime, while someone is frustrated/upset about the outcome of a game or call or while play is going on. Be sure to wait until a break in the action to expect a true SportsGirl (or Guy) to answer you.

Rule #7: Nonchalance is key when answering/correcting guys. It’s a fact of life that you’re going to encounter a mixture of surprise/shock/disdain from many male sports fans while spouting stats and commentary. Like Walter Peyton scoring a touchdown, (if you don’t get my reference, then you’ve got some work to do) the key here is to “act like you’ve been there before.” State your case authoritatively, answer their questions with confidence and stick to your guns. Give them the impression that you’re thinking “Of COURSE, I know the answer…and here it is…”Yes, you’ll leave them staring at you with a “Did that girl just say that?” face, but you’ll gain their respect and look smart in the process. A textbook example of this came at the basketball game last week when Ryan explained the “one and one” free throw shooting guidelines to the guys behind us. Props.

Rule #6: You’re not going to love every sport, find your niche. Just like going on a blind date, you’re going to find some of sports that you just don’t click with and others that you love at first sight. For me, I just can’t see getting into, say NASCAR or golf the way I do football or college basketball. It’s okay to dislike certain sports, you’re not going to love everything. The important thing is to find the sports that click with you and focus in on them. However the Basic Knowledge Corollary to this rule states that even if a sport isn’t your one true love, as a SportsGirl, you’re expected to have a basic level of knowledge of the big 4 sports. (Football, basketball, baseball, hockey). I also argue that college football and/or basketball should be included here. I’m not the world’s biggest baseball fan (Hey, I’m a Tigers fan!), but I know major players, their teams, big trades and general procedure/rules of the game. Following Rule #9 will help you with this as well.

Rule #5: Sports is an ugly business: It’s okay to get angry. There’s a watershed moment in the life of every serious SportsGirl, when you find yourself ranting and raging about a coach, play, game result, official, etc. Your rage consumes you and you become irritated and irrational. That’s when you know you’re a true sports fan, and a bonafide SportsGirl. The Emotional Connection Cororally to this rule: You’re going to start enjoying the game more and more as your interest and knowledge base grows. With this often comes an irrational emotional connection to the game, the wins make you giddy, the losses make you feel like staying home in bed. (Thanks, Michigan Basketball, you just played us out of the tourney) I’d like to say that being this emotionally involved was always a good thing, but it’s a mixed bag. Hang in there, the highs are worth it.

Rule #4: A sporting event isn’t an opportunity to look cute: Don’t dress up like it’s the bar or a frat party. I can’t stress this one enough. True SportsGirls KNOW that they look cute already, they don’t have to “sex up their school shirt” or wear something low cut/tight to a game to prove it. Gameday attire should reflect support of your team and the weather/atmosphere around you. If it’s hot/cold/rainy/snowy, dress for the weather, even if that means layers, a baggy sweatshirt, baseball cap, gloves, etc. If you’re going to go with a jersey, it is NOT okay to use your junior high Home-Ec skills to transform the jersey into a cute, going out quality top. Just wear it as is, no matter how XL it might be. If you want to be taken even halfway seriously as a sports fan, you’re not going to do it unless you dress the part.

Rule #3: Sometimes a SportsGirl gets no respect. It sucks, but some guys just aren’t going to accept you as a sports authority. My Uncle Mike is a textbook example. This is a guy who tried to convince me a couple of years ago that Matt Gutierrez was a year older than he actually was. Even though I follow HS recruiting, even though I told him that I personally watched video footage of him playing in the California HS state championships during the previous year and even though he couldn’t provide any hard evidence when questioned, he still insisted I was wrong. Guys like Mike won’t agree with you even if you make the world’s most obvious sports observation. (“Wow, the Lions offensive linemen sure do false start a lot.”) They’re going to disrespect you regardless, so you just have to make peace with it and ignore them.

Rule #2: Dating isn’t as easy as you might think: Being a SportsGirl can make you a FriendGirl. All my girl friends who hate sports always say to me, “wow, guys must LOVE that you love sports.” However, for the most part, this has been the absolute opposite in my experience. I don’t know if they’re threatened by a sports-minded girl, or what, but most of the time, showing off your sports knowledge sends you straight to the Friends Zone with a new guy. But don’t lose all hope. I do believe that a truly quality guy will respect and appreciate a SportsGirl as a girlfriend, not just a game watching buddy. Those guys are out there, but you won’t have an easy time finding them.

Rule #1: Sometimes you just gotta be a girl: Shopping can make a loss hurt less. This one’s pretty self-explanatory. There are going to be times in your SportsGirl career that you need to disassociate yourself from your team after a tough loss. Thanks to Lloyd Carr, I’ve had to do this more often than I’d like to admit over the last couple of years. Despite your love for the game, you’ll find the need to distract yourself with some shopping or the latest In Style magazine. You’ll feel an overwhelming need to do something ultra girly to convince yourself that you really don’t care about sports (even though we know you do). Don’t make yourself feel guilty, especially if you’re shaking off a bad game. Don’t forget, that you can’t spell SportsGirl without Girl.